StoryWhen I do a coaching intake on a client, one of the primary areas I ask about is the way in which my clients talk to themselves.

Not in a is-that-guy-on-bluetooth-or-just-crazy kind of way (smile), but rather how my clients talk to themselves inside their own heads.

As in:

“I’m 34 and I haven’t met the right person yet. There’s something wrong with me!”


“I’m in this job I hate, and it’s all my fault that I didn’t see this coming. I’m such a screw-up.”


“I’m such a lazy fat-ass for not getting to the gym.”

Witnessing this kind of thing is one of the most upsetting things about the work that I do, because make no mistake about it, these kind of statements are self-abuse.

No one is a mean to us as we can be to ourselves.

And yet, for some of us, we believe all our negative self-talk to be the God’s-honest truth.

And what happens as a result?

Here’s a hint:

The stories we tell ourselves predict the future. (click to tweet)

We settle for the wrong people because we think there’s something wrong with us.

We don’t look for a better job because we’re afraid of making another bad mistake.

We don’t get to the gym because, as a “lazy fat-ass,” we’re not worthy of self-care.

In the long term, this means we compromise our health, our well-being, and even in some cases our financial or physical safety, because of our self-abuse.

So how do you get yourself out of negative thought patterns that compromise your well-being? Here’s an exercise I regularly give to clients to get them past patterns of self-abuse.

1) Write up every negative thought about yourself that runs on repeat inside your own head. Write until every single awful thing you say to yourself is down on paper. Then, set that list to the side for 24 hours.

Next, come back to the list and look at each statement from the perspective of your best friend, your parent or your kid. How many of those statements are actually true? I mean really, evidence-based, legitimately true? Would your best friend/parent/kid agree with them? My bet is nope, flat-out, no.

2) Take a look at each negative thought from an objective standpoint, and then, write down all the evidence you have that contradicts it. Why? Well, consider the following:

When we talk to ourselves in self-abusive ways, we create thought patterns that require support to continue to function. In other words, we look for evidence that shores up our negative beliefs, because they’re what we’re used to.

And that means that often we ignore, to our detriment, evidence that we are loved, that we are worthy, that we are beautiful– to name but a few.

You might have an awful lot of evidence that you’ve been ignoring that contradicts the hateful things you’ve been saying to yourself. Many of my clients find this part of this exercise revolutionary, because they’ve been ignoring all the proof they needed that they deserve love, self-care, a great job, and lots and lots of happiness.

3) Finally, for each thought pattern that you have identified as not true, write up a new, better thought pattern.

Like this:

“I’m 34 and I haven’t met the right person yet. There’s something wrong with me!”


“I’m rock-star sexy at 34, and I’m ready to meet the right person. I love myself so much that I’m not going to settle for less than what I know is right for me in a relationship. I really dig my own company, and I am worth the wait.”

“I’m in this job I hate, and it’s all my fault that I didn’t see this coming. I’m such a screw-up.”


“I made the best job decision I could at the time, and boy have I learned a lot from this choice! Now it’s time for me to move on to bigger and better things that I know I deserve.”

“I’m such a lazy fat-ass for not getting to the gym.”


“My body is beautiful and worth taking care of. I aim to be healthy, fit and wise.”

Can you feel how different those new thoughts feel energetically, even on the page? Imagine how they can change your world-view from the inside!

Now it’s your turn. Share with me in the comments one of your limiting beliefs, and then rewrite it to your benefit.

Work with this new mantra for the next 40 days, and you’ll see incredible results in how you feel about yourself.

You CAN change the way you think and feel about yourself.

So get to it!

Wishing you a week where you love yourself like mad.


PS. Want to learn more about how to go easy on yourself this summer, and change your patterns of self-abuse? My new group coaching program, The Summer of Easy, is open for registration for just one more week. Join us!





          Leave a Reply

          Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *